Jews Don't Go Camping. Life Is Hard Enough As It Is.

I'm so glad it's beginning to warm up a bit in my neck of the woods. I can't wait to get out of my house and actually get outdoors and enjoy life instead of being cooped up in a dead, depressed, cement-filled world. I'm looking forward to camping trips, getting out on the lake to kayak, and possibly a canoe trip or two. Some of the fondest memories I have from my childhood are those spent on camping/canoeing trips with my family. There's just something about being outside that I haven't grown out of; the clean air, the challenge of a good hike, the sunrises, the campfire (with subsequent beer ingestion), even the all-powered lure of the all mighty s'more.

While I was wasting the company dime today at work (because I have 2 days left before I blow this turkey stand, so fuck it) looking up camping equipment, I stumbled on this:



This is quite possibly the best idea ever. It's in the shape of a bear, so if I get attacked by bears at night I won't get eaten because the bear will be all, "Oh! Pardon me. I didn't know you were in here." And then I'll make the bear's head say, "No problem. I was just devouring this girl. By the way, how did you get in here?" And the bear will be like, "Oh, some asshole left the tent unzipped." Product flaw: no opposable thumbs for tent zipping while wearing bear sack.

I guess the only thing I'll have to worry about now are flying night squirrels. I know, right?! Not only do they exist, but they can fly at you like fucking bats! Also, instead of carrying acorns, they carry typhus. Darwin at its finest. Who's up for a camping trip?

Finally, here's a compilation of culturally diverse camping quotes that we can all appreciate and remember hearing a time or two:

"I'm sure that's not poison ivy."

"Just one more hill to climb. It's all flat from here."

"I know the drought has caused a ban on open fires, but this is a campground. We'll be OK."

"I thought you packed the toilet paper?"

"You'll be OK. It doesn't look that bad."

"Nope, never opened it. But, the guy at the store said it was easy to assemble."

"Shhh! Did you guys hear that?!"

America: Helping Lazy People Stay Lazy, One Asshole at a Time

I've been (mostly) keeping my mouth shut about this whole health care debacle, but I thought it was time I chime in with my 98 cents. Before I begin, let's get one thing straight, here. I'm not a health care reform opponent. I'm all for health care reform. Sadly, what was passed within the last 24 hours is NOT what my Tenth Amendment tells me being an American means. I'll start with the reasons why I support health care reform (to prove to you nay-saying assholes I'm not an Armageddon fearing right winger).

A few positives:

Cancer patients and people with other chronic conditions will be covered. These people will no longer be denied coverage because of a pre-existing condition. I think it's immoral to not allow these people the care they need because they can't afford it. Shame on the insurance companies that have been getting away with it for so long. Try to think about if a loved one had cancer that they could fight, but wasn't allowed to fight it because it wasn't affordable. Bullshit.

Poor people will have better coverage. I'll come back to this a bit later, but for now I'll leave it as I'm supportive of people in a lower income bracket being able to receive good, affordable health care. Being able to treat your sick children, and even yourself if you've come down with the flu and are in need of medication, is something I think should be standard.

Senior citizens will be able to afford more without slipping into the poverty line. Too often, medical bills, high medication costs, and depleted social security incomes weigh into how our grandparents (and parents, soon enough) will be living. I'm glad a new social security reform was put into action with this bill.

A few negatives:

First and foremost, this new bill will allow the practices of lazy people (with whom I speak every day) to continue. There was already a system in place for those below the poverty line who needed health care – Medicaid. I simply do not understand why reform to systems we already have in place was not considered longer. Maybe our House leaders were up late this weekend watching old episodes of Quick Draw McGraw.

"This is what change looks like." Change? This adds new powers to the IRS! The benefits of the bill don't kick in until four years from now, but, the taxes start right away. If "millions" (to quote Harry Reid) are losing their insurance every day, then, why doesn't this bill's benefits start immediately after the President's signature? We only can see history repeating itself. This bill is not about the American people, but more Federal power to control over the states and moving further away from the Constitution. Rather, if we give more choice through free markets, prudent regulation, deregulation across state lines, tort reform, individual health savings accounts, and tax breaks, it will lower the costs. I'm not saying there shouldn't be a social safety net, but not to this magnitude.

What about us? The baby boomers are going to basically deplete our social security by the time we get to that stage. I would like to hope that other generations (such as ours) are taken into consideration, as well. Social Security definitely needs to be fixed to be sure it's there for us and our children, too. I try to think of all the good it's already done and of all the Americans who haven't slipped into poverty as they aged, which used to be a pretty common thing. The money has to come from somewhere, people.

Let me now direct your attention to our lovely Constitution and Bill of Rights: "The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people."

Confused? Let me break it down a bit for you. Nowhere in the federal Constitution is Congress given authority to regulate local matters concerning the health, safety, and morality of state residents. At the time the states adopted the Tenth Amendment, two primary conceptions of government were under consideration. Many federalists supported a centralized national authority, with power concentrated in a single entity. This type of government was exemplified by the English constitutional system, which vested absolute authority in the monarchy during the seventeenth century and in Parliament during the eighteenth century. I thought absolute power was something we opposed and fought about with the dirty Brits? Bullshit!

I realize that during the Great Depression, FDR (by the way, I'm in NO WAY drawing a comparison between Obama and FDR. The only reason I bring this up is in reference to the Tenth Amendment. FDR was what this country needs right now, not an inexperienced talk show host) drew on the Tenth Amendment in order to pass the New Deal, which helped lead our country out of its misery. But, let's be honest. We're hurting. We have been for a few years. But, we're not in a Great Depression. Wild measures such as this new bill being passed are not the best solution for our hurting country/economy/people. If it's true that law makers think we're hurting so bad that they need to step in and make something happen, fine (as with the New Deal example). But, why pass something that doesn't take effect for another 4 years (yet we still have to pay for it immediately)? I guess "required" and "penalty" are words I forgot were synonymous with freedom. As for me, I'm back to work to support my new 32 million dependents (bullshit!).

"The substitution of economic planning for the market economy removes all freedom and leaves to the individual merely the right to obey." - Ludwig von Mises

Is Auschwitz Still Subleasing?

Since when has it become cool to raise awareness about something you only care about when it's fashionable? There have been quite a few instances of selective awareness raising in recent times, so in true Beth fashion, I plan to take the piss out of each of them and raise awareness about not raising awareness:

1)Haiti. All I have to write is the one word, and everyone already knows what I mean. I'm not denying the fact that the earthquake and following “relief” effort that took place was horrible. The earthquakes in Haiti were devastating, as we all well know. BUT, what the fuck, Hollywood? Really? Why do we need another “We Are The World”? Most of the people involved are talentless hacks, whose genetic currency, I'm sure of it, must be at near zero. Assholes.

2)LIVESTRONG. Is this where it all began for our generation of pretend do-gooders? That stupid yellow bracelet? Do any of you even know what it's meant to represent, or are you wearing it (assuming people are still wearing them these days – it's been a few years since it was “cool”) because you saw a celebrity wearing it? Assholes.

3)Pink. Blue. Black. You guys remember that stupid breast cancer awareness campaign that was thrust into our faces on Facebook, don't you? My status feed was completely inundated with my chick friends' bra colors. What exactly did that accomplish aside from (once the guys figured it out) your guy friends imagining you shirtless in said bra? Assholes.

4)The COEXIST bumper stickers. Someone I work with has one of these pieces of shit. You guys do realize that religion has been around for thousands of years, and if these groups of people thought the other groups had nice ideas, they would have discussed them with each other already? The only thing this bumper sticker makes me aware of is your complete lack of knowledge on culture. Assholes. Sidenote: Stop calling religion “organized religion.” All religion is organized. It's a group of people organizing together with a set of core beliefs. You sound like an idiot.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that if you truly support and are behind a cause, then support it. Chances are the people around you have heard of this cause before. If it didn't strike their fancy the first time around, I bet you a COEXIST bumper sticker that it doesn't when you “raise awareness” for it. Please stop “supporting” causes you know nothing about to seem in-the-know. Instead, why not buy yourself a bumper sticker that reads, “I support fashionable causes to help me get laid.”

I actually do actively support a few causes, and it pisses me off when people pretend to without really caring about the impact. I've been a breast cancer cure supporter for most of my adult life. Breast cancer runs on both sides of my family, and I've actually had a few friends diagnosed with it. I've had a pink ribbon I juggle around on my jackets that I've had since about 2004. Wearing this little pink ribbon is the most outspoken I've been about any organization I support. But, Beth? You mean you wear that pink ribbon when it's not breast cancer awareness month? Yes, assholes. I'd rather donate my time and money silently than have recognition for something I think we should all do: support research for causes that affect people we know and love. I wish I didn't have such a Hitleresque disdain for the fashionable cause supporters, but I really would like to wall them all off and force sterilization. Assholes.

Completely Useless By September

With the oncoming baseball season drawing ever nearer, I thought I'd offer up a rant that I seem to make every single year around this time. Yes, kids. Here's another rant about why the Cubs are no talent ass clowns.

Let's start with the Cubs' fans. The only thing worse than Cubs fans are Jimmy Buffett fans. Even after over 100 years of continued mediocrity, Cubs fans still blindly follow their beloved team into the darkness season after season. Why? What's disheartening is that Wrigley will always sell its seats because no one can deny the history that field has. Instead of facing facts and realizing their team sucks, they'll continue to file into their seats at Wrigley and guzzle down warm, overpriced, watered down Old Style. I could potentially let all of this slide, but what really gets me is when the Cubs win an easy division, then the fans brag about it when other teams are winning in a much more difficult division.

I'll admit, I feel like I may have something in common with these assholes. I'm a life-long Cincinnati Reds fan (lest we forget the Reds won the World Series in 1990!). Don't get ahead of yourself here, though. I don't want anyone thinking I'm 'pulling a Cub' (saying something foolish). Besides admitting I have a passion for a team that will no doubt continue to let me down, there is still one very important thing keeping me from being thrown into the Cubs Common Denominator: I know that the Reds will always suck and will probably never win another series. I can't say the same for any Cubs fan I know.

Cubs fans also have an excuse for every day of the week. The most recognizable is, of course, the curse of Billy the Goat (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Curse_of_the_Billy_Goat). Two things must be said. The goat curse is, on its face, insulting to intelligent Cubs fans, or for that matter, anybody with an IQ in three figures. What is being said by the persistence of this nonsense is that you can peddle any sort of drivel in the media and some people will buy it. The real curse is being out-pitched, out-hit, and/or out-managed. Suck it, Cubs fans.

Let's now move on to why the Cubs suck. It's a vicious cycle, really. Cubs fans buy any merchandise they can get their hands on (including Cubs tickets). This gives the club more money than they know how to handle. So, what do they do? Every year, they sign big names for mega contracts. Yes, this does give them some good players (Fukudome, for example), but these players always fail to deliver! Their division is one of the easiest in the league, so when they start a winning streak it gives the fans a false sense of security. I just wish Cubs fans could embrace the fact that their team sucks and move on like I have with the Reds. I still love the Reds and watch whenever I get a game, but I don't hope for something that will never come.

So, what do the Cubs need? Let me be the first to offer up a map to the south side to visit a real life World Series trophy at Comiskey.

Finally, I'd like to remind everyone of the advances of our country since 1908:

Both the radio and the TV were invented.
14 teams were added to the MLB.
George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
Haley's comet passed the Earth... twice.
Harry Caray was born... and died.
The NBA, NHL, and NFL were formed. Chicago teams won championships in each league.
The US fought in two world wars, the Korean War, Vietnam War, and two Persian Gulf Wars.
Man landed on the moon.
Prohibition was created and repealed.
The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, and was re-discovered.
Wrigley Field was built and became the oldest park in the National League.
Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field's roof to hold all of the team's future World Series pennants, which have since rusted and been taken down.

Same Ol' Situation

So, I just finished up Klosterman's latest, Eating the Dinosaur. I've been a big fan of his since I first picked up Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, but I have to say, he's definitely slipping. Even after several very good reviews from some friends, I'd still only rate his latest installment at a C+. I mean, there was only one “motherfucker” in the whole book! I silently wonder if marriage has put his creative side into a writer's block-induced coma.

Anyway, there was one section in particular that salvaged his grade from a D: the section on laugh tracks. Legitimately so, Klosterman points out that he thinks laugh tracks are subtly ruining our inner thought processes. You know, laugh tracks. That annoying clip of people from the 1970s laughing hysterically that sitcoms play in precarious situations when the audience is supposed to laugh. Prime examples of this are: Married with Children, Two and a Half Men, and The Beverly Hillbillies (to name a few). Why were we expected to laugh every time Peggy Bundy squealed, “Aaaaaaaaaaaaal”? I have no idea.

Are television shows “smarter” for not using a pre-recorded laugh track as filler (think: The Office [from both sides of the pond], Arrested Development, It's Always Sunny, Flight of the Conchords, etc.)? Klosterman references the fact that these non-laugh track using programs allow the viewer to insert his or her own “funny” wherever (s)he wants. I prefer this type of program to the barrage of verbal dysentery we're spoon-fed from most shows that use laugh tracks.

By now, you're probably asking yourself why I decided to blog about this. Well, apply this theory into your own personal life. How many times have you inserted your own pre-recorded laugh track into an awkward conversation to fill that void? It's ridiculous to think about, but I'm sure we're all guilty of chuckling our way into idiocy.

I think from now on (at work, especially), I plan to just offer a half-assed smile to someone expecting polite laughter after something I don't find funny is said. And Klosterman, I expect more “motherfuckers” next time.